No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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