12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
