It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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