my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
