I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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