Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
