After last night, I could never be a politician.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
