How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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