Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
