12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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