I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
