yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
