I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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