Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
