Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
