i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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