I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
