Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
