I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
