Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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