i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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