need another drink. this is the easiest way
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
