I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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