i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
