also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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