im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
