The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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