All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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