I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
