someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
