If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
