if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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