when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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