No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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