Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She said her name was "party"
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize