Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
