i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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