My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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