I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I understand Curling. That high.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
