Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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