I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
