I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
