when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
