he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
