this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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