Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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