he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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