just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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