Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
