i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
