I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize