i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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