my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
