I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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