Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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