In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
