She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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