Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just blew my weed a kiss
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
