rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
