as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
