Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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