Swine flu. Run for my life!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
