Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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